Mindfulness makes me cry

 

My therapist has been insistent that I try mindfulness. Now I’m no stranger to meditation, it’s something I’ve practised many times. I like to think its something I was quite good at… but lately this is not the case. My shrink suggested this app called Headspace, which gives guided mindfulness meditation exercises. It’s actually a pretty neat little app and I’m sure it works great… if only I could get through a session without crying 5 minutes in.

“You cry?” she ask’s with genuine bewilderment.
I nod.
“Well then you can’t be genuinely in the moment, you shouldn’t be thinking of anything.”
“I’m not! Other than breathing and “the feel of the floor against the soles of my feet” I reply, maybe a little on the defensive side…
“Well, um, obviously you have some deep-seated emotions you need to work through”
I slow blink at her, I know this, this is one of the very reasons I go to therapy.

This woman is not instilling me with much confidence.
I think the issue with mindfulness is the fact that it brings you into the present moment, and I am presently sad. That’s kinda what depression does, being a day dreamer has always been my escape. I find being present in the moment and myself exhausting and somewhat… well, depressing.
I think, instead of mindfulness I will try Mindlessness. This article in The Guardian explains that “Mindlessness operates on the basis that your mind and body already know how to take care of themselves.” It goes on to say that “To be truly mindless, you need to rely on a combination of snap judgments, uninformed intuition and absent-minded daydreaming. All the things I’m best at, in fact.” Which honestly sounds much more my steam at the moment. In fact, I would say I already have mindlessness down to an art form.
However for the sake of my dear shrink I will give the mindfulness the old college try. Perhaps I can get to a point where I don’t start sobbing uncontrollably to guided meditations… I’d take that as a win.
On second thought, maybe there is some benefit to just engaging with sobbing for no apparent reason… I call it Sadfulness meditation. I could hold classes in sobbing, wailing and generalised despair, they always say misery loves company.
I may just start my own movement…

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6 thoughts on “Mindfulness makes me cry

  1. I’m all about mindfulness and meditation but personally, I think having a good cry once in a while really helps too! I hope your next experiences with mindfulness are much better though 🙂

  2. When someone is crying, of course, the noble thing to do is to comfort them and fuss around them and tell them everything is gonna be ok . But if someone is trying to hide their tears, it may also be just as noble to pretend you don’t notice them
    Crying

  3. Meditation can be a long process that takes time, practice, and patience. I know that there are moments when I have cried as well in the middle of meditation. For me, rather than focusing on my breath or in the present moment and trying to tune into the chaos of my senses, I like bringing myself inwards and focusing on my heart (heartfulness!).

  4. I will join your movement! Look, I know people are trying to help by basically saying you’re doing it wrong, it has to work, or crying can be good for you, but if you’re trying to feel better and being in the moment overwhelms you with sadness then it doesn’t work for you! Clearly, we have deep seeded issues lol
    I use mindfulness only in a moment when I am enjoying it and I find it crystalizes those memories better, improving my attitude overall subtly. I do not use mindfulness when I meditate, but more of a peaceful escape from thought and emotion, which is a perfectly legitimate and ancient practice.
    You do you. Thanks for being so honest!

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