A couple of years ago I wrote a short play called 52 Hertz. The concept of the play was all about communication, or more appropriately, a break down of communication. My inspiration was from the worlds loneliest whale who’s song rang out on a different frequency to other whales in its species. Meaning that this whale was unable to communicate with others of its kind. Her song fell in deaf ears. I relate a lot to that whale. I feel as though I live on a different frequency to most of those around me. Regardless to how many people surround me, I always end up feeling disconnected and alone.
I look on at social groups with envy. Everyone seems in sync. They talk, they laugh, they are heard. They belong. No matter how I try I always feel outside of the circle.
Being diagnosed with BPD has helped me with understand why I don’t connect as easily with people. But it doesn’t make it any easier. When I try to engage in group conversation I feel awkward, my speech is stilted. I’m a mess, because I want so badly to belong and be included.
I don’t know if it’s all in my head. If it is then I am truly mad. To always feel like I don’t fit, I don’t belong. The only thing I can do is keep trying and keep hoping that it is all in my head, and as soon as I learn to let it go, I’ll find that I belonged all the time.