Self-destructive Habits and Gerald

IMG_4238I found a cat on my doorstep, trying desperately to get indoors. As I am horrifically allergic to cats (as in eyes waters, sneezing, rash, asthma and eventually death) I obviously could not allow him inside. However, my destructive impulses did take the opportunity to override my sensibilities and rub the cat lovingly all over my face.

I also included my family in my joyous because I felt they needed to know the joy I was experiencing in that very moment. My Mother, sadly, did not revel in the happy, kitty loving moment with me. She was more concerned about my physical well being. Bless her.


For your entertainment I have decided to include the text conversation below.

Having a love of animals should not be considered a self destructive habit but apparently in my case it is. I have been put in the hospital twice due to an asthmatic reaction to a pet of the adorable variety. However I have a theory that my body will eventually come to terms with my fluffy habit if I just continually expose it to all the animals – starting with Gerald. Why does that sound dirty?IMG_4234

Anyways, Gerald provided me with love and cuddles for about 5 minutes before he got antsy and tried to get away. But that 5 minute cuddle fed my soul for days. Really, cuddling animals could be an addictive habit I’m sure.
Hopefully I will run into Gerald again soon for more love I’ll keep my asthma pump at the ready just incase.

I’m not entirely sure what this post is about, but that’s what you get for writing late at night when you’re half asleep and on pain killers because you kicked a man’s elbow…

…I’ll save that story for another time.

My Attention Light is Blinking

Sometimes I will send annoying texts, repetitively poke someone (in a non-sexual manner) or just generally behave in an annoying and obnoxious manner. Sometimes I just simply but my head into the person like a dog wanting love. When any of these things happen it is because my attention light is blinking.This is an actual system that has somehow gradually developed with my friends and family. I can just tell them now that my attention light is blinking and that I require love and affection. I can be quite a needy person… when I’m not busy being completely aloof.I always justify my need for attention by explaining that I have Attention Deficit Disorder and so really, by receiving attention from others they’re really just helping me with my deficit…

These days, attention seeking has negative connotations. If we seek too much attention we’re called “attention whores”. If a Facebook post is overtly emotional we say the person is just looking for attention like it’s a bad thing. Or the one I hate the most… how self-harming is a cry for attention, which in a sense can sometimes be true but it is too often said in a way that trivializes the persons actions.

I know I’m not the only person who has had these thoughts, I’m pretty sure I read a blog on this very subject not too long ago (and to whoever blog’s it is I apologise, I couldn’t find the article again to reference it). But I whole heartedly agree that asking for attention should not be considered a bad thing. We all need attention and we should all be willing to give our attention to others. Sometime’s all a person needs is to feel noticed, and if a person feels the need to hurt themselves in order to be noticed… I’d say they’re entitled to ask for some attention.

Don’t be afraid to ask for attention when you need it, and don’t be stingey with your attention when you see someone else crying out for it. Let’s all be a little bit more giving, and a little bit more loving.

Kumbaya, Namaste, Gesundheit etc…

(but seriously, it’s nice to be nice)

Motivational-ish quote of the day

I just came from watching The Secret Life of Pets with my mother. Which was an interesting experience since there were a lot of other kids there with their parents as well. Only difference was the children were about 20 years younger than me. Still, I’m young at heart. Besides, nothing cheers me up more than animated anthropomorphised animals going on wacky adventures.

I also got a massive metal bucket full of sweet ‘n salty popcorn which was awesome, and I’m going to keep it as my future sick bucket… because I get sick more often than I eat popcorn and every household needs a decent sick bucket.

Anyways, I digress. My point is that there was a poignant moment in the movie where Max is swimming for his little doggie life towards a life saver and Duke is cheering him on by saying. (This may be paraphrased as I don’t remember the quote exactly):

“Keep going! You’re doing great! Well, not really… But you’re not drowning so that’s something!”

And there, right in that small moment… contained the perfect metaphor for struggling with an illness, mental or otherwise. Because half the battle is keeping your head above water.

So When you’re being hard on yourself because you haven’t got much done that day, or that week… or that month. Just remember: You’re not drowning… so that’s something.

My amazing popcorn bucket that’s soon to be my sick bucket. Everyone needs a good sick bucket.


The Waiting Place

Limbo, no mans land, the place between where you were and where you’re going. I’m at the pit stop of life.

A year after graduating, no job, and waiting to hear if I’ve been accepted to do my MFA. And if I haven’t?  Then what? Do I have a plan? No. I can’t seem to plan further than the day ahead of me and even that’s optimistic sometimes. I can worry about my future no problem, I worry about when I have kids, about the future job I don’t have, and other issues that are actually yet to exist. Worrying is much easier than planning, I’m a most efficient worrier of the past, present and future. If I could get paid for worrying then I’d be the most overly concerned millionaire in existence. As it is, you don’t generally get paid to be a professional worrier… I’m tempted to say scientists that worry about climate change are professional worrierers (that’s the correct plural right?)  but I also like to think they do research and solutioning (also known as problem-solving)  in-between their worrying. Philosophers are great worrierers, but again I don’t think anyone paid them much either. Please let me know if there are any other professional worriers that have slipped my mind.
Anyway, I digress. My point (I think) is that I am currently in the waiting place, which if you read Oh, the Places You’ll Go by Dr Seuss then you’ll know it’s quite a useless place.

“… for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.”

 – Oh, the places you’ll go by Dr Seuss

I hate waiting. It’s such an uncertain state of being. It’s nothing but anticipation, just waiting to react. I feel like, while I’m in this state of waiting I should be doing something productive. However, the waiting act seems to have played havoc with my anxiety, the lack of structure and stability that the waiting has brought upon me has equally fucked with my ADD. The anxiety, confusion, self-doubt and general low self-esteem has just led to a perfect mind storm of emotional hell. I am, as my shrink puts it, in crisis. I feel as though I have been slowly climbing to the peak of the worlds highest anxiety-coaster (which is like a rollercoaster but with more dread) and from the very top, plummeted down into the pits of despair. Worst. Ride. Ever.

Now I’m back at therapy, back on medication. Although this is new and exciting medication that doesn’t allow me to drink any alcohol, makes me feel phenomenally ill and dizzy, but that should calm down after a week. Suddenly, I don’t mind waiting. I’m quite grateful that my life is on pause. I don’t feel too much pressure get better quickly. I can take this time to look after myself, learn to love myself again. Interestingly enough, this crisis has reignited my desire to write after months of writers block. So there’s a sliver lining.

So I’ll wait for a bit, because when the waiting is done… Oh, the Places I’ll Go!!


This is a bit off topic from my travel blog but I just needed to write something somewhere and since my ADD is the culprit for my lack of productivity with this blog (and everything else) it seemed appropriate to just write it here.

This is rant started developing in my head when I was trying to concentrate on doing my work for uni. I’m staring at the screen trying as hard as I can to process the complex and wordy sentences into meaning in my head and it just wasn’t happening. Instead I’m literally imagining a fly buzzing around inside my empty head while an intense feeling of anger and frustration starts to eat its way through my chest like acid until I’m ready to scream, punch and cry. So I did… it’s a good things pillows don’t have feelings. Now I’m here, divulging all my feelings on ADD to my internet audience. This would probably be a good time to explain that I have Inattentive Attention Deficit Disorder, which basically means I have a chemical imbalance in my brain that makes it very difficult for me to concentrate and leads me to day dream a lot. Now usually by this point in the explanation (when I’m telling someone in person) I get told that they think they have ADD too! Because they daydream and sometimes can’t concentrate. Now fair play it is possible that they may have ADD. But I’m going to lay down some statistics on here (courtesy of webMD).
Now would also be a good time to point out that Inattentive ADD is a form of ADHD which is Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (I’m not hyperactive).
Anyway. The STATS!


  • ADHD afflicts approximately 3% to 10% of school-aged children and an estimated 60% of those will maintain the disorder into adulthood.
  • Prevalence rates for ADHD in adults are not as well determined as rates for children, but fall in the 4% to 5% range.
  • ADHD affects males at higher rate than females in childhood, but this ratio seems to even out by adulthood.

From this, I can assume that the likelihood of every person that has ever said to me that they may have ADD is pretty slim. This pisses me off so much because I really don’t think that people understand the pain in the ass ADD is. It’s not an excuse for not getting my work in time or for anything else.

I am incredibly anxious

I easily get sensory overload (which is why I don’t like clubbing, another thing people don’t understand.)

Through the years I have come to hate myself for my inability to concentrate.

I often feel like I simply can’t cope with life. I’m constantly forgetting to do things or forgetting my things in random places.

I am socially awkward

I have some serious mood swings

I can easily become depressed

I have a low tolerance for frustration

I have low self-esteem

and it is quite likely that I will struggle with employment in the future.

On the plus side I am more creative than most, however most of the time I struggle to convey the creative ideas in my head which is just frustrating.

But yeah, all of these things that I struggle with are part and parcel with my ADD… and I haven’t even listed them all.

I have needed YEARS of occupational and psychological therapy to help me, I take medication and often require extra tutoring. I am also pretty damn sure that if my ADD wasn’t diagnosed when it was I would have flunked school. If it wasn’t for my Mother’s constant support and determination to help me. I don’t know where I would be now, but it certainly wouldn’t be university.
Having said that, going to Uni and living alone feels like an impossible task. I sometimes spend weekends not going out. I don’t want to interact with other people, I don’t want to go shopping for food, I don’t want to do anything. I’ll actually go hungry to avoid going out. I won’t even go outside my room in case I have to try and have a conversation with my flatmates.

Another thing that gets on my tits is when people think that I’m using my ADD as an excuse, I’ll use it as an explanation for my disorganisation, my social awkwardness or anything that I know specifically relates to my ADD. I do this so people can understand that when I fuck up it’s not on purpose. That I’m not just being lazy and making up excuses. However when I do I get told that I must stop making excuses for myself and man up… So I’ll just man up and NOT HAVE ADD ANYMORE! If that were possible I would have done so already.

I am so tired of feeling incompetent and I am so tired of every other person thinking that they have ADD just because they day-dream now and then. For me it has been a constant struggle throughout my life.

Next time you meet someone with a form of ADHD, whatever you do, do not jump to the assumption that you have ADHD because you share a couple of symptoms… it’s not cool.
Also… don’t ask us if you can try our medication… that’s just fucked up.

Rant over…. and no, I’m not proof reading this.