Fighting myself

As the hot water passes over me, my legs quiver and the needles still stab in my chest as I gather my breath. As my heart rate slows and my head swims with negative thoughts. “I wish I could be proud of myself”

“Why am I never good enough?”

“Why do I hate myself?” 

“It’s no wonder I’m borderline. I’ve brought this on myself” 

Another voice echoes in my head 

“Stop it. Be kind to yourself” 

My bitter insides twist in response and say 

“You’ve let this happen” 

I try and remember to be mindful

I try to focus on the water running down my face, on the pulse in my ears

But still I can’t drown out the voices that say “not good enough. You’re to blame. Pathetic. Weak. Attention seeking. Lazy. Fat. Unmotivated. Lost. Lonely. Loser. DISGUSTING. WORTHLESS!” The voices press down on me. Pushing me to my knees. My invisible enemy ripping me inside out. 

Why do I hate myself?! 
But…
I didn’t buckle did I? 
I know what I wanted to do. I know the pain I wanted to feel. I know I wanted to feel punished. 
So… I ran. I jumped, I pressed, I crunched, I pushed myself harder and I forced myself through the pain. 
Till my heart drowned out the inside screaming and all I could think of was breathing. 
Relief. For a moment. 
And in the shower the voices may be back and they may be pushing in… but they didn’t win did they? 
I didn’t try to tear them out my skin.
I push against the shower wall and whisper to myself: “I am enough. One battle at a time.” 
I turn off the water, take a deep breath, and get ready to face the world again.
Cos like it or not. I can’t escape the skin I’m in. 

Advertisements

One thought on “Fighting myself

  1. I feel sad, proud, happy that you’re fighting back, worried, and so many other things when I read this, and if I, without having BPD, feel all that for you, I can only begin to imagine what it must be like to be in your head. If it helps at all, try to remember you’re not alone and you don’t have to fight ALL your battles alone.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s